Talking Stupid
by The Wandering Swordsman
Summary: In which Zoro has a crush on Sanji, Sanji is oblivious, and Usopp sees it all. Unrequited Zoro-Sanji.


**Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece.**

Usopp happened to be in the kitchen at the wrong time. He just wanted to take a short break from working in his workshop by having a freshly brewed Ryoku cha with Sanji's homemade rice crackers. He wanted peace and quiet. A sizzle from a frying pan or a faint splash of the sea against the Thousand Sunny was supposed to be the only noise Usopp was accepting during his break.

As mentioned in the beginning, he came at the wrong time. The second he took his seat and sipped the comfortably warm drink to have a taste, the door slammed open and the swordsman sauntered in. Immediately, he barked out an imperative demand for booze, and the thunder fell onto the cook. Usopp clasped his ears together and huddled like an armadillo as they threw bombshells of cursing, berating, and other derogatory language at each other. His tea trembled and made ripples as the shouting increased in volume, and poor Usopp felt trapped under the ruthless attack.

Finally, a shrilling sound of Nami's voice ordered them to stop. Sanji turned into goo and said 'yes Nami-san!" and Zoro grunted. Sanji threw only one bottle of booze and the swordsman finally left. The kitchen was quiet again, but the air was still shaking. Usopp was sensitive to these airs, so depression tumbled on him. Wrapping his hands around the warm cup was a mere consolation. If he were a cat, he probably lost two of his nine lives.

Usopp could never get used to Zoro and Sanji's 'conversation.' It was as if they were engaging in a brutal war. Usopp disliked wars, so he ended up getting scared every time. Others have grown used to it by ignoring it or leaving the area, but Usopp couldn't do either.

His heart gradually calmed down, so he took a shaking sip of the tea. It was starting to grow cold. He tipped his head back to drink the remaining tea, and set it down. The tranquil moment ruined, Usopp decided to rant on Sanji.

"Sanji, why do you two always fight?"

"Huh?"

"I mean, can't you two talk in a normal, civil voice? People will think you're crazy."

Sanji silently accepted the empty teacup and filled it, "I'm doing it for Zoro."

Usopp raised an eyebrow at the cook. He slowly turned the teacup, so he could grasp the handle. He brought the tea to his lips to smell the aroma, but he also wanted to speak first, "I don't get it."

The cook turned to the stove to heat up a kettle. He twisted open a cap and a woody scent of coffee filled the room. "When I talk to Zoro, I need to yell at him and shout out curses or else he'll talk stupid."

"Talk...stupid?"

"Yeah," Sanji answered matter-of-factly, "I don't understand a word he says."

Usopp frowned, "You're making fun of him. I've never heard him talk stupid."

"You want to find out?" Usopp nodded swiftly, so Sanji nodded back, "Come here at the same time tomorrow, and you'll see."

So, the curious Usopp listened to Sanji and entered the kitchen the following day. Today, Sanji was brewing coffee and was whipping heavy cream to dollop on top. Usopp was delighted to get his hands a cup of hot coffee with a large drop of not-so-healthy-but-who-cares whipped cream with shaved chocolate sprinkled on top. He tentatively blew the surface, so the fluff of cream made way for the coffee to peek through. He sipped slowly, so he wouldn't burn his tongue, but his long nose caught a puff of cream.

He was about to blissfully sigh and compliment Sanji when the door opened. Usopp braced for the verbal attack by scooting slightly off his seat and staring at the green haired swordsman's direction.

Zoro opened his mouth, but Sanji was quicker.

"Hey Zoro," Sanji asked in his normal voice, "I made coffee; do you want some?"

Suddenly, Zoro's eye widened as if he witnessed a friend die in front of him. Then, his face turned a shade darker in pink. His mouth was still opened, but no words came out.

"Hey Zoro, did you hear me?"

Zoro quickly dropped his head and ran a hand through his hair several times, "I...y-yeah, I...I heard...I heard..." the last word 'you' was barely audible since Zoro started to mumble and crush words together in odd syllables.

Sanji turned off the stove and stepped toward Zoro. The swordsman had extreme panic splattered across his face. He looked so unarmed and not knowing what to do (Usopp noted that Zoro had swords at his hips, so he wasn't technically unarmed). Zoro's face was growing redder as the space between him and Sanji grew shorter.

The cook leaned in close to Zoro's face. Zoro took a sharp intake of breath and began to shiver.

"What did you say?"

"I...er...um-"

"Do you want some coffee?"

Zoro waved his hand in dismissal while having his head turned to the side, avoiding eye contact with Sanji.

"No? You don't want coffee?" Zoro repeated the same gesture, "Do you want booze?" Sanji breathed the words out, and Zoro flinched violently.

Zoro, panting now, was trying to say something but again no answer. Finally, it seemed that Zoro had enough. He gently pushed Sanji away and staggered a few steps, "I-I'll come...come back later..."

Sanji tucked his hands into his pockets and gave a shrug, "Okay." He waited until the door closed before turning his attention back to Usopp.

The cook pointed thumb behind him, "See? He talks stupid."

Usopp narrowed his eyes at how oblivious Sanji was. Man, the cook really had no sympathy towards men. By just looking at how awkward Zoro acted toward Sanji, it was obvious that he had a crush on Sanji. Poor Zoro.

"No, _you're_ stupid."

"What did you call me?"

**The End**


End file.
